*MY GHOST*

myghost

Running away from money issues and drama….

and not just for us, but also for a best friend of ours too,

who would’ve ever known that where we were going, evil spirits lived there too, but wouldn’t right away, come through.

The town, from the beginning, was not my cup of tea,

I grew up originally in the city and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t even listening or getting the feeling of this banshee.

And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my family, it was all me.

I did actually like the quiet at first, but my depression was on & off for a while, since my mom passed away, years before,

and on times that I’d get upset with life, my marriage, my friends, my family….I would drive around and explore,

explore the tiny town, which didn’t take too long….

I didn’t feel like I belonged from the beginning, but I played along.

Any time there was any kind of tension of any kind, by someone else or solely within me,

I would go to the river reservoir to just think and pray,

I would’ve loved to jump in, cause I felt like I needed something that could wash off all of the pain & I would’ve closed my eyes & pretended it was Tampa Bay.

The longer we were there, the worse it got,

it was as if someone had a secret plot.

I even know how crazy it all sounds, but living there was like a bad country song…our dog died, I was in 3 accidents, my son had a serious hospital stay visit and so much more, including a rare deer running out into my blind spot.

I lost friends and family in the meantime, due to all of the craziness that was going on,

and totally put my feelings into pawn.

And in the meantime, I’m sleeping all of these feelings away,

but insomnia started and your ghost keeps me awake.

I would beg and beg and pray for some kind of break,

and I would continue to drive up to that river reservoir to think and pray.

Whatever evil that kept coming through all those years, I would pray for my field day.

One day, my husband finally could see that I had been going through hell to prove that I’m not insane.

The devil kept trying to make his presense and all it did was put me in more depression and pain.

I kept pushing all of these demons away, so many times, and every time I thought they were gone, they kept finding their way back in with full disdain.

True feelings that I kept away and would not learn, for so very long,

Give up the ghost & stop the haunting baby, way more than you realize, I am THAT strong!!

Who knows what the true metaphor of being out there was for me, but I do know that, “I hope you dance” keeps running through my brain, like the day I danced to it, with my mom, and it’s much more than just a song!

And sure enough, I took my family with me, we left that ghost at the river reservoir and came back to where we belong!

Now the prayers from my god were answered on so many awesome levels and now home is where my prayers are these days!

And I will admit that when I was in hellville, my father was more supportive than ever on “some” things, he did keep telling me that I needed to get out of the middle of nowhere somehow, some way,

but we’re back to square one and even in some sense, worse and back to the original dismay….

actually now that I’m out of there though and back home, nothing, not even him can ruin this new and improved person inside of me, that I’ve worked so very hard to be again.

In the last two years, what’s been so awesome in me, is my yen,

my yen to be the Lynn that I used to be and the Lynn that I will be and he’ll see when.

I used to give in and just say, “this is the dad God gave me and I’m supposed to have” and I still agree with that, but at the same time, I don’t have to keep hurting either and I damn sure won’t do that to my son as well!

So, for past months, it’s been so long, farewell!

Now that I know I’m strong enough to get out of hellville, I’m not putting my son through everything else hellish that I was put through, he’ll know who his grandfather is, just like he’ll know who his Nona was….

and because I’m still praying, just now at home instead….maybe, just maybe “Grandpa” will come around and not be a once was?!

To all of my demons and ghosts…peace out!

In the line of defeat, I’m good without!

1/25/15

“YOUNG TRAGEDY”

youngtragedy

I was talking about you just yesterday,

I can’t believe I didn’t remember that it was just 20 years since you passed away!!

As I sit here watching a program on tv about a girl’s friend passing away & how she was coping with it, it brought me somewhere & had me feeling a certain type of way!

And then seriously sitting here thinking, I think to myself, oh my god….where did 20 years go, since you left us for heaven’s beautiful gate?!

It’s been a LONG time since you’ve passed and we were only best friends for a couple of years before you passed,

and the shit all of us went through, wouldn’t have been any 14 & 16 year old’s parent’s wish and we lived life so fast!

And in that short time, you told everyone that I was your little sister and I loved you like my big brother and not just because you were with my bestfriend!

And how it all ended, I still cannot comprehend!

You were so talented with your DJ’ing and dancing and even had that big break coming, before that bitter end!

So true in the case of your death, like your obituary said….”the only down fall to your love of attention, was your love of attention”, on this day, at least!

Because on the dance floor and behind those tables, you were a beast!

And the love for you that was already intense, on your funeral day, only increased!

After losing a best friend to such a tragedy, I don’t think my mom knew how to handle it and of course, my dad didn’t call to see how his 14 year old daughter was coping with such a loss!

But, Nicole & I did go visit you all of the time, your parents and sister made such a gorgeous resting place for you, right under some beautiful Florida spanish moss!

I moved away just two years after you passed, I changed a lot in those first couple of years…it could be because I was doing it for my poor mother and also, I just grew up?!

And David, you would’ve tripped out at where I landed! We all partied at the lake, outside and in hand, always a dixie cup!

but every time I go home, I visit Papa, now Nina & mom & still you, it has been a long time though…

and even though it slipped my mind, on the 20 year mark, never far from my memories and heart, is my best friend, “Mr. Play~Do”

1/25/15

LOVE IS BLIND

loveisblind

Like the Eve song says….Love is blind!!

I went through that with someone who was like blood to me,

she loved this man like no other and at first it was all good until he started having her all confined!

She was like a sister to me & we had been through hell and back with these guys!

God we believed that we knew everything & we were so wise!

It was almost like we were on call for them, with just one call, we figured out how to be there,

and the love was definitely not fair, we knew this with just one glare!

We thought we had balls to tell them, “what’s up”, but it so was not the truth!

On nights we’d stupidly leave our families for them & end up waiting & waiting in a phone booth,

people say you just go through things in your youth,

but if people only knew the things we saw & heard in our youth, it would blow their minds!

Especially things my best friend, I called her my cousin, went through…she’d have to sometimes close her blinds!

On nights that I’d get out of the house to go see her & my boyfriend too….I witnessed something that broke my heart into two and even almost my own fist!

At first, it all began with a grab of the wrist,

and then a sorry with a kiss!

Another night, it was a toss up against a refigerator and bruises would follow!

Then another kiss to follow that felt so damn hollow!!

The night that almost involved my own fist….was the toss up against the back of the car,

After my boyfriend and everyone was holding me back, all I could do was look up to the dark night & pray to the stars,

pray to the stars that she’d come home with me that night and leave once and for good, but she didn’t, even with the internal scars!

All he was able to say is I love you & love was definitely so blind!

Finally, four long years later and after I moved away….that blind fold finally went away!

My girl finally saw that this bum didn’t define her and she walked away and those stars that I once prayed to, finally were all aligned!

Why does love have to be so blind??

1/25/15

“SUPER MOM”

“SUPER MOM”

We all say we’re super moms & majority of us are!

I know one super mom, in particular, who was by far!

She was a mother, a father, a best friend, a very low balanced ATM, a handy man, a three job having mom, who did it all, with very little asked assistance.

Sure, she had flaws, who doesn’t?

But, the awesome trait to this super mom, was her consistence!

Leaving her two kids’ sides & never there for them, was not an option!

This super mom was abundant with very few interruptions and took precautions!

A super mom is definitely what we had….

Foreclosures, Divorce, Dead beat dad, when married….road trip pro baseball dad, moving every other couple months, never, but maybe once/twice got government help, car repo’s, and the list goes on & on….

being a mom was number one in her vocabulary, no matter what she was going through personally!

And even with her flaws, like any child to their mother; she was still my icon!

And she never knew it, but to a lot of people….

a lot of people looked up to her, her truth, her pizazz, her smarts, her generosity,…..

she never put people down, didn’t get into gossip much, hell…didn’t even put our father down, in front of us!

She helped whoever she could and sometimes when she couldn’t!

Even when she knew that she shouldn’t!

A super mom is definitely what we had!

Her views and life choices were different than some,

but her morals & advice were off the chain and there was very few things that she would succumb!

She took after her parents, especially her father, but both the same, when it came to loyalty & love!

Her no nonsense & tell it like it is approach to life, was refreshing & something that I always took with me in life & was in total awe of!

That’s probably why her & my father never made it, because not only because he’s a piece of shit & married to his baseball glove, but because the man had/has no concept of loyalty, fatherhood, compassion & our love!!

Her views & life choices, she had no problem in admitting,

I was always her #1 fan and still am and will always support out loud until the day I die!

With everything you were to me…my super mom….my guardian angel…I hope you’ll always continue to be, I will always feel you were & are, and as you are above me, continuing to fly!

A super mom is definitely what we had!

Dedicated to: Michele Ruth Puricelli/Scherrer

12/22/14

Lynn Marie Hurst

WE ACTUALLY WON….

WE ACTUALLY WON….

When I was eight years old, my whole world crumbled in my face…

the once daddy & mommy I knew together, were no longer in place!

The life that we once lived, would be in a whole different pace!

We said goodbye while in Nashville, on one of daddy’s “road trips”,

but at eight and five, we didn’t understand the goodbye at all….

when we left Nashville, we didn’t realize that our world was about to do a flip!

All we knew, that young, was we were heading back home to Tampa!

Never did I know then, that to me, this man that I called Daddy, would become a total eclipse!

When we left Nashville and back to Tampa, my mom, after being so young at having us, was also on a new voyage in life!

As solely Michele and not anymore, man and wife!

And what was amazing to me, was when Mr. Baseball came home and moved into mommy and daddy’s with his “new” girlfriend, mom WANTED us to be able to see him and she had absolutely no strife!

Even with knowing who this “girlfriend” was! She was the girlfriend who broke “daddy’s” heart in high school for his bestfriend,

she had A LOT of “fun” in her days (from what I hear), and from what I heard, she also abandoned one or two little boys, which is just a family rumor, but now my grandparents have her and father shaking up in the family descend!

Still, whether she did or not, my mother had no shade, never talked bad in front of us and still made us think he was the daddy that we got to see every other weekend and on holidays, since they were a short ways a way!

And even participated in our excitement! While we were there on visits, I have so many memories: riding bikes, seeing our relatives, playing pop music cassette tapes with dad,

going to Bush Gardens in Tampa, going to Weeki Wachee and seeing the mermaids, learning how to put blush on with the “new” “girlfriend”, making good cupcakes bad,

seeing the Christmas lights, which turned into a grown up tradition with my own son, not even realizing, having Christmas mornings with “dad” and his “girlfriend”, even learning how to apply blush,

little did I know….we were just a mandatory thing in their eyes and the second they could…they bounced and even in a rush!

No letter, no phone call, absolutely nothing at all! It was a week before that, that I seen their “marriage album”! Don’t even know if I was supposed to see, which of course got no invite for the eldest daughter and son!

Being in baseball and being a cheater and her background as a cheerleader and a cheater and homewrecker, they thought they pulled a fast one!

Apparently for the father as well, he didn’t know Michele Scherrer Puricelli too well and of course the new one didn’t either, but she was hurt for us and later on in life, I realized that my brother & I were the ones that won!

*Father O Father*

Father O Father

Where have you been??

I’m a 14 year old girl, just trying to fit in.

I see all of my best friends, whether in the hood or especially the suburbs, with their Daddys right by their sides.

If anyone hurt them, you bet your sweet ass, their worlds would collide!

Mine, on the other hand, is nowhere to be found?!

My tears at night on my pillow, you don’t see or you don’t care,

my tears to you….you see & hear on occasion & you brush them off, no time for it and it’s completely unfair!

Fourteen years old, living in a not so good area, no health insurance, skipping school for the first time, and “some” of my “friends” would be a parents’ worst nightmare….

Fourteen years old, heart broken from a boyfriend that I have on & off, heart broken from a friend, who at a very young age, has passed away….and you have absolutely no care!

Father O Father

All I ever wanted, since my visits with you, before you left us, got married and we got no invite,

was a “daddy”, a “father”, not a sperm donor who only wanted out of sight, out of mind, but it was so much for your time!

A “daddy” without the phrases, “I might”!

A “daddy” who actually cared about his two first born kids!

A “father” who was our everything, our star, our hero, our light!

I see what my little brother is going through, at only ten,

your first born son, who is idolizing his “dad”, who won a world series and trying to walk in your footsteps!

And at his games, he plays as a pitcher, left handed at that and where are you? You’re coming to the game, you say?! Where & when?!

But, no….a no~show, once again?!

Father O Father

Should we just give up?

Were we just inconveniences vs priorities?!

I wonder if your “new family” sees?

Sees what we never had!

I wonder if they know they’re lucky, that at home, which I know is still rare, have a dad!?!

I hope they know how their mom got our dad?

I wonder if they know they weren’t important enough to be broadcasted?!

To be broadcasted, they were born to his other two outcast?!

So far, at fourteen and ten, my brother & I, with you, have a not so awesome forecast!

Father O Father