Running away from money issues and drama….
and not just for us, but also for a best friend of ours too,
who would’ve ever known that where we were going, evil spirits lived there too, but wouldn’t right away, come through.
The town, from the beginning, was not my cup of tea,
I grew up originally in the city and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t even listening or getting the feeling of this banshee.
And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my family, it was all me.
I did actually like the quiet at first, but my depression was on & off for a while, since my mom passed away, years before,
and on times that I’d get upset with life, my marriage, my friends, my family….I would drive around and explore,
explore the tiny town, which didn’t take too long….
I didn’t feel like I belonged from the beginning, but I played along.
Any time there was any kind of tension of any kind, by someone else or solely within me,
I would go to the river reservoir to just think and pray,
I would’ve loved to jump in, cause I felt like I needed something that could wash off all of the pain & I would’ve closed my eyes & pretended it was Tampa Bay.
The longer we were there, the worse it got,
it was as if someone had a secret plot.
I even know how crazy it all sounds, but living there was like a bad country song…our dog died, I was in 3 accidents, my son had a serious hospital stay visit and so much more, including a rare deer running out into my blind spot.
I lost friends and family in the meantime, due to all of the craziness that was going on,
and totally put my feelings into pawn.
And in the meantime, I’m sleeping all of these feelings away,
but insomnia started and your ghost keeps me awake.
I would beg and beg and pray for some kind of break,
and I would continue to drive up to that river reservoir to think and pray.
Whatever evil that kept coming through all those years, I would pray for my field day.
One day, my husband finally could see that I had been going through hell to prove that I’m not insane.
The devil kept trying to make his presense and all it did was put me in more depression and pain.
I kept pushing all of these demons away, so many times, and every time I thought they were gone, they kept finding their way back in with full disdain.
True feelings that I kept away and would not learn, for so very long,
Give up the ghost & stop the haunting baby, way more than you realize, I am THAT strong!!
Who knows what the true metaphor of being out there was for me, but I do know that, “I hope you dance” keeps running through my brain, like the day I danced to it, with my mom, and it’s much more than just a song!
And sure enough, I took my family with me, we left that ghost at the river reservoir and came back to where we belong!
Now the prayers from my god were answered on so many awesome levels and now home is where my prayers are these days!
And I will admit that when I was in hellville, my father was more supportive than ever on “some” things, he did keep telling me that I needed to get out of the middle of nowhere somehow, some way,
but we’re back to square one and even in some sense, worse and back to the original dismay….
actually now that I’m out of there though and back home, nothing, not even him can ruin this new and improved person inside of me, that I’ve worked so very hard to be again.
In the last two years, what’s been so awesome in me, is my yen,
my yen to be the Lynn that I used to be and the Lynn that I will be and he’ll see when.
I used to give in and just say, “this is the dad God gave me and I’m supposed to have” and I still agree with that, but at the same time, I don’t have to keep hurting either and I damn sure won’t do that to my son as well!
So, for past months, it’s been so long, farewell!
Now that I know I’m strong enough to get out of hellville, I’m not putting my son through everything else hellish that I was put through, he’ll know who his grandfather is, just like he’ll know who his Nona was….
and because I’m still praying, just now at home instead….maybe, just maybe “Grandpa” will come around and not be a once was?!
To all of my demons and ghosts…peace out!
In the line of defeat, I’m good without!
1/25/15
